The sound of shells has woken up the city.
The killings, shootings, bombings have opened up the hell.
The next few days were all, indeed, quite hazy.
The future of it all – fairly unknown.
Yet being in constant touch with all such madness.
And knowing not of what the history may give.
A sudden quiet has somehow showed me quite a blissful feeling.
A feeling, that I thought was now extinct.
Serenity.
“How come a war instantly cure my seemingly everlasting anxiety?” – such was my sudden thought, once the fifth day of military conflict has arrived. Indeed, how come it disappear? Reminiscing of the good old peaceful days has made me picture the now old version of me: quite anxious of the worst to come, depressed and suicidal. Yet with the latest gruesome war escalations, it all seemed to simply go extinct - as if I never have possessed such feelings in the first place. Intriguing.
Such revelation has made me take some time to search about this bizarrely strange nuance. Yet the more I examined the never-ending space of the internet, the less I truly seemed to find the appropriate results. There was simply nothing of interest. Only the tips on how to handle the anxiety. Yet there was no need for me to do that.
Am I just broken now? What even happened – outside the war – that made me change my settings? I still don’t know. And that, indeed, confuses me. For knowing, or seemingly pretending to know, who I truly am and what usual characteristics I do possess, my already foggy mind simply can’t rationally explain such sudden alteration.
That was until I stumbled onto a rather peculiar post with one humble statement: “The most horrendous event, which the psyche of an anxious individual always expects and dreads, has now already happened”. It is undeniable, that the anxiety itself is the fear, particularly targeted onto the certainly upcoming, yet frustratingly unknown events in the future – thus making the person continuously seek out the tiniest of details and worry of the smallest and inconvenient problems, onto which they may stumble on. I have lived such a “lifestyle” for most of my life, constantly surrounded by the swarm of worried thoughts in my restless mind – it was simply suffocating me.
But now there is a war – something that my own psyche has endlessly dreaded and thus has been quite prepared for. One of my most abstracted fears is now a present reality, to which I have unusually quickly gotten used. The anxiety thus lowers itself – for there is no major threat to worry for.
It is already here.
And I can do nothing to change it.
Only write about it.
Normally, the anxious individual doesn’t expect any love or care from the world itself – and when showed such luxuries can whether not believe it, or simply jokingly humiliate himself/herself more, in order to compensate such rash as well as unexpected affection. As unfortunate as it is, I have always put myself in the second category. Yet now, I am none. For I receive neither positive nor negative affirmations. There is only a neutral serenity.
So, could that now mean that I am finally cured? From constant pain of worrying about the future? From everlasting train of thoughts? From my infuriating inner persecutor?
Well, no. Instead, I am now addicted. Glued to the never-ending stream of news as well as social media, trying my hardest to keep everyone informed. Seeking out only the freshest of the updates to give myself a false sense of control – the so much-needed power to save my sanity from falling down the hole. Of madness.
It’s quite pathetic.
Yet so do others too.
Afraid of losing touch with everything unfolding.
To give themselves a false sense of control.
Intoxicating.
I am, indeed, aware, that such a lifestyle may once fairly backfire – it quite already has, making me quietly weep at night after a single thought of our undecided future. Would there even be one? For those in Russia, there is only one – a painful economic death, that’s intertwined with the rise of degradation. For people abroad, there's also one – a bright and privileged future. With no destruction and lives lost. With tasty food and water. With living little children. With peace under their skies.
I’m tired. My hands don’t want to type. My mind is full of bedlam.
Oh, nevermind.
Being continuously aware and physically present in such war is in itself surprisingly comforting, then being abroad and not knowing of what is constantly going on, for there is no actual reliable source – thus intensifying the infamous anxiety. It’s immensely comedic to witness the dramatically painted news in the international media, especially in the German-speaking ones. How come there be no mentions of the successful counter-defense, heroic and, in some cases, comedic stories or even a hint of alacrity – only statistics of the refugees, Russia’s successful raids and horrors.
It's tragic, yet truly unsurprising. Only a few media outlets would make a representative, who knows the language and is capable of properly transcribing certain events, be involved in the process of sharing the finalized news to the world. For others, though, it would be immensely detrimental for the views. As people love the drama as well as always long for “bread and circuses”.
In order to connect such rather frantic mention of the media manipulations to the main theme of this writing, I would say only one thing: “It’s time for media to include both shades of the war”. For this gives people strength, motivation, and hope to live on and continue standing their ground against the modern version of “the less cunning, yet certainly vile Third Reich”. It soothes the anxiety and replaces the worried thoughts with the determination to act, derived from the heroic deeds of others.
Yet there are so many other factors, that still trigger my now fairly psychotic nervousness. So many, in fact, that I long stopped counting. Yet, what else did I, personally, wait for? Have I only now realized that there is no real future waiting for me? For all of us? No job, no education, no plans. It’s purely dissolving my heart from inside. My mind goes blurry. It’s truly agonizing, that-
A deep breath.
It’s quite comedic, isn’t it? To still be worried about the little as well as now irrelevant things surrounding me, despite witnessing so many innocent people lose their lives overnight. Despite knowing, that any minute a random missile, a shot – and a possible chemical attack – can simply take not only my life, but the lives of my loved ones. The lives of millions. All in a span of only a few seconds. Such is the ignorant nature of anxiety.
But now, as another siren screams to its fullest, triggering the endless thoughts of the upcoming danger and making my hands viciously tremble in harmony with its screeching, I have only this for all of us to say:
We all have to calm down.
And grip onto our strength.
Put the anxiety aside and take a few deep breaths.
Focus on the main goal and remember the line:
-
“This too shall pass”